So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
