Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
