I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
