just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
where are you?
Hypothermia
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
