exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
