Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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