Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
