On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
