I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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