I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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