i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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