I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
