How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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