I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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