remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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