I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
