You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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