Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
