I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
