im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize