We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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