The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Randomize
