He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
