rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
