How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
