Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
