i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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