god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
