tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
