Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
