I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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