i permit you to call me
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
