I am spending my child support on dildos
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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