Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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