she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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