Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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