a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize