then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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