Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The beer is more important than you right now.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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