We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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