the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize