u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
