I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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