somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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