Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
