i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you win again, gameday.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
