I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
