So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
