Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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