Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
