He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
