My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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