I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
