but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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