Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
