and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize