Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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