Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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