im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
